Did any of you grieve the shift from existing in the world as your own woman and moving into your role as a mother?
I remember my good friend Rachel tagging me on this post via Instagram and I thought it was such an interesting question that not too many talk about it. I told her that I would answer it in blog form because I didn't want to put a super long comment under that post.
If I can be honest sometimes I still feel like I'm grieving, I have my moments. I know people say so easily that motherhood is so hard and difficult but I don't think people truly understand unless you're a mother yourself. When I was pregnant I felt really loved and powerful to just know what was happening to my body, I didn't really struggle with this much during my 9 months but I would have moments because of the tough situation I was in with her father and I would get little glimpses of how things were going to turn out or how my life is going to be once I give birth to the point where I almost didn't want to. Fast forward to when I had my daughter and I instantly felt the old Tarin die and my old life just didn't exist anymore, I didn't know how to proceed with my actual self as a woman and barely knew how to as a mom. I started working super hard to bring myself back, I literally did anything that would make me feel like ME again. The change that happens when you become a mother is never ending in my opinion and that's what makes this shift very challenging.
I didn't know how to be a mother and be Tarin. I was stuck because I felt as if I didn't have the appropriate image to be a mom. I didn't know how to collide my two worlds and that always made me feel like I was living a double life. I would either feel like I wasn't being myself enough or I wasn't being a good enough mother and it ate me up inside. At times I would wish I wasn't a mother because of how much I missed my old self and then there would be many beautiful moments in motherhood where I would just pray and wish that I can allow myself to embrace all of the changes and fall in love with motherhood.
It was all apart of the shift/transformation. My growth into a mother but at the same time I was in between two selves and it honestly felt like death. I didn't know how to collide them together or go forward in a healthy state. Eventually you will find balance and figure out what works for you but just like in any other situation you have to accept that nothing will ever be the same including yourself. Accepting that will free you from a lot. I found myself finally finding new things to enjoy and do while being the best mother that I can be. I often times miss my old life, sometimes I even think about it daily but I love my daughter and I will thank her always for the things that she saved me from along with all of the good she's brought to my life. It's all about balance.
I think people look at it as a bad or selfish thing when moms step away for some self care and that can mean different things for everybody but I've learned that if I don't find a balance, I will never feel connected to my daughter or my own life that I have to live. I look at it like this... If I don't take care of myself and try to become a better version of myself every single day how am I ever going to be any value to my daughter and her life? As a mother you need that time even if it's just 10 minutes sitting in the bathroom because I used to do that.
Once I saw this in a different light I was able to be my true self which is definitely different but in all of the good ways though, it was like a bonus. I stopped blaming motherhood for everything and offered myself some grace and relief from trying to uphold all of my own expectations. It took me 3 years of motherhood to be confident enough to say that I love being a mom but motherhood does not define me or complete me. I'm a human, with gifts, talents, and passions. Motherhood is only ONE of those things but before all of that I am yes indeed a mom but there's more. I am me - Tarin Souriya.