Now that I have two kids it has definitely stretched me as a mom and that may seem dramatic to someone who has 4+ kids but seriously, it has stretched me to my capacity. The transitions that I had to go through not just personally but for my family and for my 4 year old daughter especially. The intent was all with love but it was definitely tough for us all, not to mention all of these changes on top of a pandemic. I'm still stuck on the fact that I work from home and the same thing for my daughter, she was being put in and out of school, I mean it was the constant back and forth for her in which she doesn't do all that well with but of course.. we had no control over that. Can I just say that I love my kids?? I adore the hell out of the my kids but DAMNNNN.
This time around was definitely different; in some ways things were easier because I prepared and there were other things that happens in which you can't prepare for. I wrote this blog in my journal maybe a month after I gave birth to my son because there were so many different emotions weighing on me. I couldn't get away from feeling this constant pressure; the pressure to do more, to be the perfect mom of two, and all of these other things when none of that really even mattered. Just like how I had to learn very important life lessons when I had my daughter, I was literally reliving those moments again when I had my son. I felt lost majority of my days because it was all so repetitive, the constant diaper changes, the breastfeeding, the formula, and the constant change of clothes. I just remember feeling so drained trying to do everything and be this or that for this person to the point where I had nothing left for myself. I was crashing. The space that I was in started to look and feel all too familiar, it wasn't good though, it felt very dark and lonely.
I had to take a step back and do some deep reflection on why my life is feeling like this when I just had a baby, that's something to celebrate because it's a newness of life right? Everybody is falling in love with this perfect baby boy and I am too but then there's also me... just full of hormones... trying to figure this out all over again. I had to ask myself how did I get through it the first time? I know all too well what this dark road of postpartum depression looks like and I was trying my best not to let myself go there. I had to think about TARIN - what makes me happy? what fills my cup? what makes me think positive thoughts? who gives me good energy? I literally had to check ALL of that because I was doing everything but tending to myself. A lot of people have different views and opinions on how this shit is supposed to go but from my own personal experience this only works if I put TARIN first and I don't believe that it's selfish. In order for things to get done for this family Tarin has to be in a good place mentally, physically, and spiritually because everything starts and ends with me. I had to own all of that and realize that taking care of me (whatever that looks like) is something that needs to become a priority in my life. On most days it's me getting my fix of coffee or just waking up an hour early before the kids wake up to map out my day or read my devotional in peace and quiet. Other days it may look like retail therapy, taking a long bath, or going out with friends to be social. I had to learn that there are no limits on taking care of myself and I should do what I feel fits at that moment in my life. When I take care of myself I am way more valuable to my family and the people around me, it's a fact. When you have kids or even have a partner people like to label you as such; I'm not just a mom, I'm not just a baby mom, I'm not just someone's girlfriend, etc - I am STILL Tarin and everything that I've endured over the years to become this person still stands no matter what.
So if you're feeling anything like how I've been feeling whether you got 1 kid, 2 kids, or 5 kids please don't wait for things to "slow down" to take care of YOU. Your kids need you to be the best you, they need you to feel good, and to be good in order to care for them in all of ways that they need. Don't let society put it in your head that it's supposed to look a certain way because in reality this shit is a beautiful mess. We all just wake up, do what we have to do, and literally take it one day at a time. The balance that we all search so hard for is literally right inside of you, the balance starts with you and nobody can tell you what that's supposed to look like. Please take care of yourself because I know how bad it can get when you don't, I also know how that looks for your kids. Once you have kids it seems like everybody knows you as just a mother in which is very true and valid but you're also MORE but in simple terms, you're still you and there is nothing wrong with that. You can be a mom and still enjoy some of the things you used to enjoy years ago or find new things to enjoy. Just a little reminder that even little things goes such a long way - go buy yourself some flowers today. :)